Sunday, November 16, 2008

A Place to Start?

This is it. This is only going to happen once. I can never go back once I press the button. My blogging innocence will be gone forever. Will my reputation be tarnished? The anxiety has been keeping me up at night. Everybody is doing it. No one will judge me, (yeah I don't believe that either.) But what is a life without risk? A slow death that's what! Don't you think so?

Still...this is a huge risk. Putting myself out there, in a way I have never exposed myself before. No wonder I have been obsessing over this leap into the Internet abyss. I think I have broken into a nervous sweat.......well now I better say something of substance....something memorable...something...something. Who am I kidding, no one is going to read this. I'm totally safe. No one will ever know.....except the friends and family that I may have mentioned it to...

OK lets just start out easy...maybe a little about me. Yeah that's good. Hi, I'm Karen and I'm a recovering caretaker. (Hi Karen). After 5 years of struggling, my sickest little celiac is doing well, she is growing and going to school and no longer spends most of her time in the bathroom, or on the couch, or tangled between swings of anger and tears that used to dominate her existence. So now life has become normal. Well not glutenoids noraml (slang for those of you who consume gluten), but stable. It has not been an easy road, and now that I have time to think, I have noticed something.... I've changed.

Not so much changed that my acquaintances would notice. Not so much that my husband the Finance Guy would notice. But it is unmistakable to me...there is a heaviness on my heart. I don't know when it arrived, but I can feel it. It has built slowly over the last 5 years, a result of the maternal instinct to protect my child...but when your child is sick, that instinct can go awry.

Normally when your child is sick, you do whatever you need to do to make them better. Doctors, test, medicine, diet....but what happens when you ask all the specialist all the right questions and still don't get any answers. The research just has not been done. And your child is still suffering? Thousand of Moms with kids diagnosed with autoimmune illnesses, autism, mental illness, and others deal with that reality on a daily basis. When you are fighting an enemy that you can't see what does that do to your confidence as a mother? I know I am not the only Mom out there a little bruised from this particular battle.

Wait, I seem to have gotten ahead of myself, shared too much too soon. I can see now that these mumblings may take me to some unexpected places.

Won't you come along and join me on my journey?

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