There is something I have been dancing around in my writing for quite some time. If I file through pages of rough drafts, and online docs, there is one area that is conspicuously absent or attempted....and abandoned in my mumblings. At times, I have tapped its shoulder and nodded a curtsy, but quickly retreat from the topic before it could waltz too far onto the page. Two years of writing, and I have yet to find a beautiful or lyrical way of opening the topic. Twenty five years since it entered my life, and I am still quickstepping away from the pain of it. But it is always there, in my writing, under the surface, between the lines, and lurking in shadowy margins.
If I choose to write about it, I will be breaking an unspoken silence. Betraying a childhood confidante, who I never wished to disappoint. This has had a huge effect on me and the inner guilt, and fears that beset my life. The more I try to sidestep, the more I stumble upon it, time and again. So maybe it needs to be written, if I can tease out the words and sort through the emotions.
Where to begin? The start, was too long ago, the present, too sensitive. The not too distant past......maybe the day it all became very public, before lawyers and probation officers hushed and filed it away again. The day my brother, was arrested for attempted murder, and became the lead story, and a mugshot on the evening news, and we in-turn became a family that had been outed by mental illness.