Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Blog Imitates Life

So last week, with my new found, albeit limited time, I turned to the blogging world to catch up on posts and reads.  My current Googling for resources in the UK, and Sweden seems to have broaden the search engines definition of what might interest me, and brought a whole new continent of blogs to explore.  I also visited the gluten free blogger realm in the US and found a multitude of new, great looking blogs that have arrived in the last year or so.

So many pretty well designed blogs, younger, fresher with greater frequency of posts and a focused theme…hmmm.  I started feeling a little insecure and thought, maybe it’s time for and upgrade, a facelift, something to keep me, I mean my blog, fresh and competitive in the ever expanding blogosphere. So with whisperings of self doubt as my motivation, I began to click around the new blogger templates and postulate my purpose.  

I am coming up on my 3 year anniversary of Humble Mumblings inaugural post, and I can't help but reflect on past goals both met and missed. I won't bore you with the introspection, it is between me and myself, but in my restless ruminations, I tested out a few other blog face designs in their ‘upgraded interface’.  It all sounded glamorous, and there were so many pretty choices, but much like a day of shopping at the mall it left me despondent.  After imagining all my blog could be, all those template try-ons, fell short.  Nothing seemed to fit and flatter.  I went back to my basic blogger template, and logged out feeling annoyed, and unsatisfied.  

Next day I kicked up my computer to go online, and noticed in my 'Top sites' screen that my blog had reformatted itself to a new (old) template, that I hadn't even looked at.  Weird.  I tried to revert to my old blog, and while all my posts are still here, the content and design is gone.  

I stared at my changed blog.  My changed blog stared at me. I should have been angry. I should have cared about the unauthorized change made to something so personal, but I didn’t.  It seemed like poetic justice for attempting a meaningful improvement, with self doubt as my motivating factor.  My old blog face is saved in a HTML file on my computer, but I can’t help feeling the computer glitch may be very timely. It has forced me out of my comfort zone and got me exploring all kinds of possibilities of what may come next.  As much as I loved my old template, as much as I wish to hold on to it, it’s gone.  My actions, intentional or accidental, removed it from my immediate existence.

So goes my blog.  So goes my life.  The irony is almost laughable…  Here I am in my Swedish Dream House, 4000 miles from my home of 8 years Surely Manor.  I find myself without my family and friends support, with only the most tentative of new connections. With all the same responsibilities of caring for a frequently wellness challenged family.  It’s unnerving, and liberating all at the same time.  I am frustrated, embarrassed, awkward, and humbled on a daily basis due to my lack of understanding of my new country, its culture, and language. However, there are no preexisting expectations of who I’m supposed to be.  With no possibility of ever fitting into the Swedish norms, (because I don’t know what they are), I'm free to just exist. 

As my blog and life continue this odd mirror miming, KC has started obsessively listening to music.  Natasha Bedingfields song ‘Unwritten’ has been playing non-stop from my IPod per her request. Like my mother’s voice, telling me it’s time to get up, so sweet and welcoming when I was a child, only to turn into an infuriatingly naggy tune as I moved into adulthood. Really Universe?  Do I need the constant reminder of trite, self-empowered expressions to motivate me?  Yes the blog, and life I desire are all within my power, to attain. Give it a rest.

Of course KC’s other favorite songs right now are Adele’s ‘Rolling in the Deep’, and Bruno Mars, ‘The Lazy Song’.  Maybe I shouldn’t’ be looking for hidden messages of inspiration from my 4 year old personal DJ.  However depending on the day they all resonate true, and motivate me.

So you can see from my stellar personal focus, that the reinvention of my blog might take a little time.  I do know that regardless of its appearance I will still be filling it with little pearls like this post.  Hopefully as I frame its new structure with content its evolving character and direction will crystalize.  Till then…I’ll just keep dancing with my little DJ.  Join us here!

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