I decided to go back and read all my posts, both published and in draft. To look for themes, content, and to see what I've been. I don't recommend you do this. Quite frankly, some of my early posts had me cringing a bit. Themes? Grief, loss, grief, autoimmune illness, loss of self. Content? A little all over the place, but at some point, things started to gel. My thoughts became more cohesive and complete. My writing fell into a rhythm and a voice that I hadn't heard in a while began to emerge. Somewhere between the overwhelmed rantings, and searing grief, a girl I used to know, stuck her hand up and began waving. 'Hello! Here I am!'
When Humble Mumblings began I had been in caregiver overload for about 7 years. I count the period of time prior to Beanie's diagnosis, because that's when she was sickest. Even before her birth, my equilibrium was unknowingly being altered by disease as my husband suffered from undiagnosed celiac disease. During that time, Finance Guy used most of his energy for work, and building his career. Home was a place to crash from serious fatigue, and feel guilty that he didn't have the energy to socialize, exercise, or help around the house.
By 2008 my perceived self efficacy was nil. I had given up my social work career, and most activities outside my home, to heal my family, and that was turning out to be much more complicated than just going gluten free. My life was so full. A potentially beautiful fixer upper (Surely Manor), that after 5 years of ongoing improvements only needed two bathrooms renovated and landscaping to be completed. A marriage of 15 years to a guy who was my best friend, and I genuinely liked. Three remarkable daughters, whom each came into my life with so much to learn, and so much to teach me. Oh and lets not forget my dream companion dog. The only thing missing from my picturesque life...was my family's health...and me.
I had become all the things that I swore never would. A frazzled, strung out mom, and a housewife. I had set so much of myself aside trying to get everyone healthy, I had all but disappeared. In my younger days, if I found myself in such a circumstances, I would decide how I wanted my life to be, and make the changes needed in my life to correct the inequities. Change jobs, end a bad relationship, find a better apartment, move on. Done and done.
So I just needed to reduce my burden, lighten my heart, get rid of the excess baggage that was dragging me down and...but wait. The only way to do that was to leave my husband, abandon my children, and trek off on some Eat, Pray, Love adventure. Hmm...as tempting as that was, I had the wisdom to refrain from pursuing that course of action. Besides how would I finance it? Elizabeth Gilbert would just have to go without me.
Throughout my life, writing had always helped me sort through my emotions, and I've always kept a journal. These journals were the places I kept the thoughts and emotions I deemed unfit for public consumption. Maybe it was time to dig into my past to find a way to my future. Writing myself back into existence, giving myself the depth, and color I had lost, with words. Finding inspiration, and magic in the mundane world around me. It was worth a try.
So began my Humble Mumblings, and I'm so thankful. As I read through my past posts I realized that by documenting my journey, I not only validated my own experience, but saved thousand of dollars on therapy! I found my voice again, and now have a written record of how far I've come, and an approximation of how I did it. Which is good.
So maybe my blog hasn't amounted to everything I thought it could, but it serves its purpose in my life. The good news is, that on the slim chance that I should ever find myself in a unfamiliar place, (like, say, a foreign country), isolated from friends and family, with no idea how to feed my family or myself, I have a documented travel map through my previous struggle. If for any reason I would be crazy enough to intentionally throw my family into a completely new lifestyle again, my blog gives me concrete evidence that I made it through. If I did it once...I can do it again.
Happy Birthday Humble.